I wrote this quite a long time ago, but I still wanted to share this with those of you who missed it over at SheLoves this month.
If you asked me how I am really doing right now, this is what I would say:
“I am lonely. I am physically weary.
I long for authentic community. And I miss the days when I felt
fulfilled in living out my calling.”
But if you then asked me to climb out
of my head, open my squinched-shut eyes and look for what God could be
doing in this desert season, I would confess that I feel loved, seen and
And I’d have to admit that sometimes God intentionally grabs our hands and yanks us straight into the wilderness.
Loneliness is natural to the human condition and often necessary to our spiritual journeys. I
struggled with loneliness when I left my family and moved to another
state for college, when I began my first job in Chicago as a teacher,
when I lived on the other side of the globe as a single woman in China,
when I returned home to the states to get married, and as I’ve navigated
the shift of identity and calling that comes in becoming a mother.
Sometimes God wants our feet dangling
in the air as we clutch the edge of the cliff so we are that much more
aware when He supports us, lifting us from below.
For context, I am 39 weeks pregnant,
have two little ones under four, and am used to being very capable,
able-bodied and driven. But these days, I congratulate myself if I keep
everyone in our home clothed, fed and breathing. I’ve never felt as depleted as I have in the past few months.
Having moved cross-country over a
year ago, we have few friends to walk with us during this pregnancy. We
have always found our people at church but have visited 11 churches in
16 months and are still homeless. There is nothing that makes you feel
lonelier than sitting in a crowded room full of people for an hour and a
half, then walking out at the end without speaking to a single one.
After “dating” a church for nearly a
year, we reached the point where we needed to either get married or
break up, and we’re facing the sad reality of having invested so much
time in a relationship only to move on and start all over again. We had
hoped to stay through the duration of my pregnancy, mainly for the
meals and support, but when I sat quietly asking Jesus about this
decision, He seemed to say, “Don’t you think I can provide a few freezer meals for you?”
Continue reading at SheLoves...
Labels: depression, God provides, pregnancy